I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Terrible idea I love it
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
