Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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