I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
