i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
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