I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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