I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I just want to make out with him forever
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
