The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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