Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
The power of my boobs compel you
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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