I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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