then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
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