I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
