I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
and she was petting her beer can
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
