Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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