life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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