some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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