Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Randomize
