The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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