Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize