You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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