You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Randomize
