does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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