3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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