roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
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