just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Randomize
