omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
