just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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