your room smells of hookers.
And success
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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