you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
