The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
