My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
