you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
