I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
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