barbara walters just said penis...
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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