I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
