I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
