..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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