the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
