Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
