How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
