Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
