those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
