I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
