Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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