Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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