i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
