Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I forget how to act sober
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
