if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
