i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Dicks are not precious.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
