At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
