Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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