everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
