Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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