the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
