I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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