I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
