3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
