i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
