I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
