my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
