this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
