Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
