So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
