Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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